This song has recently become my new personal mantra. It feels so motivational to me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aaaw3g56zjc
I recently started to pay myself the smallest bit of attention and improve my self-care. I’m allowing myself to experience and feel my emotions (even if I still don’t always know what they necessarily are), instead of pushing them back down and trying to kill them.
I have been preventing myself from feeling anything for fear of being unable to process anything painful, or anything that might push me back into the same place I was over a decade ago… but I’ve finally realised that it means I have denied myself feeling so many good and positive things, and I was just eroding my ability to be resilient to life.
I have put myself outside of my comfort zone over the last few weeks, and while it was scary, and I felt things I didn’t want to, the net result has been so positive and affirming. I feel a little bit like when I started HRT; I felt like I had been let out of a soundproofed glass prison where I could see out, but nobody else could see in.
I’m scared I might run too fast by the prospect of a second chance to trust myself.
My BDP misdiagnosis (over a decade ago) made me mistrust my every action, every thought, every feeling, every intuition, every motivation. It taught me to despise myself, right at a time when I was especially vulnerable in my transition. It was a time that I needed to be the most accepting of and caring towards myself, but instead, the opposite was true. I let this fear dominate my life ever since, and now that I might undo some of that damage, I am more scared than ever that it will end in disaster.
I am going to try hard to feel again, embrace myself and not catastrophise. I will let feeling seen and loved reassure and steady me.